la fillette qui revasse

-babes in toyland-

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 00:44:50 GMT

today, i am babysitting. its amazing how children can make anything into a toy. a few minutes ago a one and a half yr old boy ran off with my (very last!!!) tampon and managed to open the wrapper and completely disassemble it into three separate parts and then begin to use the top half of the 'tampon holder' piece as a pretend telephone and started babbling away and nodding his head in absolute agreement with the person on the other end of the line. just amazing.

thursday,2:45pm

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 21:49:40 GMT

as i was coming up from switching laundry downstairs today:

two women with small dogs pass one another on the sidewalk in front of me; one dog growls at the other and they continue on their way.

meanwhile, a woman is walking past with her kid, aged 5-ish, who asks, 'mommy? why did that dog do that??' her reply, 'cause he's trippin!'

a marginal ulcer..

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 03:24:06 GMT

while some people express their stress through road rage, drinking binges, or on the job nervous breakdowns... i, apparently, have chosen the ever clever corneal ulcer as my outlet for internal stress.

i have another ulcer on my left eyeball. not as severe as the one a couple months ago, but hardly fun. so, it looks like another week or more of antibiotics and steroids for my stressed out eyeball. blech.

in other, far more amusing, news.. i was invited today to an ice cream social with a group of physicists.. the invite reads as follows (without any humour intended!):

"You are invited to an Ice Cream/Brownie end of the run party for PEP-II achieving a peak luminosity of 1.2 x 10^34."

that made me smile in spite of myself today.. so, i guess i havent lost all hope.

caught in a whirlwind

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 06:53:13 GMT

once upon a time.. ages and ages ago.. i used to write in my livejournal.

today, i am writing after having been thoroughly inspired by a traumatic event: today i was caught in a whirling, dirty, sandy, yucky windstorm. taken off guard we were swept over by this mess of dirt and bits of trash and even a soda can which hit me in its whirling rush. it was very wild. and hot. and i spent the rest of the day picking off small pieces of dirt and debris off of my sticky, sweaty, sunscreen slathered skin. not fun.

in other whirlwind related events.. i have been caught in some of the most lovely windstorms and whirling, powerful, wonderful delights lately. its been a magical few months and i think more are on the way.

wind has truly and always been the most exciting and magical element for me.. sometimes giving me shivers of fear and pleasure all at once.. so im not really surprised by all this breeze actually..

more someday.
bisous.

bed head

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 17:14:04 GMT

i couldnt go to sleep until after 6am today.. but at least in the two and a half hours of sleep i had i did not have any nightmares.

i did, however, get an adorable new haircut yesterday.. its very rock star, and i love it.

dreaming

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 18:39:25 GMT

two nights ago my nightmare involved me and several children i look after at the beach, with tons of tourists, and an orca whale in the distance flopping around and jumping as if in a show.. and the tourists applauding and hooting in kind.. suddenly the whale beached itself and it was glorious and larger than anything imaginable. we were only a few feet away, and even in my awe i began to feel a bit nervous.. thinking that if something should go wrong with all these people crowding closer and closer, it could be really frightening and possibly dangerous to have the children here. so i decided to try to get the kids farther from the crowd, which seemed impossibly given that they were all so excited and we were so packed into this crowd. a man decided to be funny and go right up to the head of the whale and pat him and pet him and have his photo taken.. but this was not a whale at sea world, he was a true and wild orca from the sea.. and while ive never imagined them to be violent animals i felt an overwhelming sense of dread. the whale opened his huge mouth, showing all his little teeth and almost smiling in that orca way.. and then he moved his massive tongue, larger than the man himself, out to sort of lick the mans leg.. which everyone ooed and awed over... until suddenly the whale flicked his tongue and the man went flying out above the whale and into the sea.. and panic ensued. i grabbed the children and told them to stay with me no matter what. there were hundreds of people screaming and running and all trying to fit through this smallish concrete tunnel thing to get out.. and then another orca appeared near the shore and everyone stopped to see what was happening.. and i tried to use this chance to get the children through the crowds.. and they wanted to see and there were so many, but i managed to get them into the tunnel when the newly arrived orca somehow grabbed and yanked the other beached one back into the sea.. they began a strange and beautiful fight and everyone seemed so confused as to whether they should run away or stay to watch.. i pulled the children up to a balcony thing overlooking the beach and we could see the orcas, now nearing the end of their battle.. one almost ripped to shreds and blood streaming into the sea as though a thousand whales had died.. everyone was screaming and running now and pushing and falling and i tried to hold on to these children to keep them from being pulled into the crowd.. meanwhile, the bloodied and tattered whale was helpless and could do nothing to defend himself and the other one was relentless and ripped him to pieces even when there was clearly no life left in his poor brother. it was incredibly sad. one of the parents came along and casually collected her children from me, without seeming to notice the chaos or the other children crying in my arms. i woke heart pounding and with tears wetting my cheeks.. salty sea tears.

last night was, again, full of violence.. i dont usually have violent dreams, and these have really made me feel out of sorts.. im sure its just the anxiety ive been feeling this past week or so, but its still amazing to me how our minds must work through things while sleeping. i dont usually write dreams down, even though its a nice idea.. but these past couple nights have been so haunting and so detailed and ive woken with such clear and exact images, like a film reeling through my head..

one dream began so pleasantly.. i was lying in a grassy park, with my two best friends.. neither of whom i can place in real life.. and we were lounging in the sun, in the grass, wearing short shorts and barely there tops, and talking and laughing and i think we were all teenagers again. and we noticed this old, brown shingled house that looked out to the park.. on of my friends said she knew the people who lived there and that they were away for the summer and it was empty.. we all began to have mischievous thoughts and somehow decided to see if we could get into the house and play and be naughty.. we stood up and packed up our things, and i looked again up to this old house and noticed a girl, a redheaded teenager, lounging on sort of a window seat and looking down on us with an almost malicious expression.. i was startled and wondered how long shed been there and why we hadnt noticed her.. so i stopped my friends and told them to look, but she was gone.. and my friends said i was just being silly and there was no one there, for sure. we walked around the corner and nervously knocked on the door of the house.. it looked empty inside, no lights or sounds.. and then we walked through a gate into this side garden and found a basement door that, of course, was easy to open.. we crept inside, giggling the whole time.. and made our way up a dark staircase to a door opening into the house. it was absolutely silent. but i still felt nervous.. did i imagine that girl? was she a ghost? which just added to the fun, really.. we walked into the kitchen and poked around.. moving papers and letters on the counter.. we opened the fridge and my friend said it was a couple who lived there without children, so there wouldnt be any junk food. then we decided to go upstairs.. at the top of the stairs we haulted.. someone heard a noise.. we were scared, but wanted to be brave.. we walked down a hallway and into a bedroom.. i saw the window seat, empty and felt terribly afraid.. a door slammed and we looked toward a beautifully tiled bathroom off the bedroom, and there she was.. the girl id seen. we all shrieked and jumped.. but my friend asked her who she was, had she snuck into the house too? it was as if she expected this girl to be friendly towards us.. and then the girl smiled in this evil, awful way and came forward to lunge at my friend.. grabbing her and smashing her face against the tile of the bathroom.. we screamed and began to run out the door, my friends face covered in blood.. but the girl grabbed my other friend and smashed her against a wall, blood flying everywhere. we felt so trapped and afraid.. then one of my friends grabbed this girl and shoved her down the stairs.. her body falling limply down each step, almost exagerratedly so.. we were all a mess and ran down the stairs, past this girl, and out the front door onto the street.. where it was now dark, not sunny or daytime at all. we ran to a small, red car and climbed inside. i was the driver.. i drove us into a more urban part of town, lots of shops, we needed to hide wed decided. so we parked and tried to wipe the blood from our faces and walked along a street until we found a small, chinese owned souvenir shop.. we ducked inside and began walking through the store, making plans.. we didnt want to tell anyone, but we hadnt done anything really wrong. but the girl would be found and we didnt want to explain why we were there, what had happened.. we wanted it not to exist at all. we were looking at some licence plate name keychains when suddenly 'he' walked in.. he had been looking for me, we'd planned to talk today, to have coffee and talk. and i couldnt bear to see him now.. not with this mess all around me, i would be awful to talk to. he stood in the doorway of the shop, covered in shadows so i couldnt see his face.. only his tallness.. and we stayed where we were. he asked the shopowner where i was, explained that we were going to have coffee today.. the shopowner didnt know a thing about it, or me. and became angry with the boy. finally, he left. and we left. and we had decided to go back to one of our fathers homes, to sort it out. when we arrived, and went inside the house was dark, like the other one, and we felt afraid again.. the redheaded girl jumped out again, and began chasing us through this new house.. all around.. she had a knife this time and we didnt know what to do.. running up and down stairs and down hallways and into rooms, we had managed to stay together until one of my friends was caught by this girl.. stabbed over and over again right in front of us. it was horrible and the screams were so real and curdling. we fell on the floor and held one another, my last friend and i. and then i woke up, shaking and tense and completely drained and sweaty, my neck in pain.

there was one more dream early this morning.. not violent, not horrible really at all, but leaving me with a sense of dread.. i wont talk about that one, but to say that it involved pleasant things like watching a movie in a theatre, holding hands with a boy, and offers of both a diamond ring for forever and an aquamarine ring for now.. only in dreams..

.yoplait.

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 21:13:19 GMT

sometimes, when things start to feel a little dead inside me, i think its comforting to know that there are 'live and active cultures' roaming around inside me.. even if they are in there with a big pile of aspartame.

meow!

Sun, 22 Jan 2006 12:35:46 GMT

its 4:23 and im wide awake... and have been.. for forever, it seems. i just took a super.minty shower courtesy of ms.q, and feel wonderfully clean and refreshed, but just so so awake!

the kitties outside have decided to have a brawl.. right this moment they are screaming about some silly nonsense, and im tempted to go out on the fire escape and ask them just what could be so important as to cause such a loud discussion after 4am? maybe they went out and had too much to drink and now they are just belligerent..

id planned to bake tonight, but i didnt have any butter and it was very cold outside so i couldnt work up the nerve to brave it for butter.. but i managed, instead, to go out for the sake of pure mischief; which is an entirely different cause, and has nothing to do with the outside temperature.

i hope the day will be crisp and sunny today, id like to walk along the ocean and breathe in the clean air and clear out my head and my heart and my oh.so.cluttered thoughts...

4:56am

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 13:24:39 GMT

i feel sick and disoriented and so so so tired. this has really gotten out of hand. i wonder if i can now be classified as a true insomniac??

its been ages.. its too bad that i never write about all the things going on when so much is happening because i cant find the time for it, or maybe the motivation.

anyhow, aside from sleeping less than three hours a night for the past several days, there are so many new things to tell.

my new job is ridiculous, and ill have to go into a big bang of an entry about that soon...

my apt is perfect.. if still not organised to my liking, though now that im on vacation ill have time to get that sorted.. and im having such fun with it.

my birthday is coming up and ive been invited for a fun birthday weekend in ny.. which seems like a good idea. or a somewhat bad idea, but bad in a delicious way.

im thinking about summer plans already.. daydreaming really, since those seem to be the only dreams i can muster these days. if i can do india for a month, but not the entire summer, i think that would be ideal. and then ill do a 180 and stay a month in paris, i think, and have a fairy tale with g and see if i could convince him to come down to the south with me and roll around in the sand and swim in the sea for a few weeks. and then come home and tell everyone im brazillian. c'est une bonne idee.

.what boys like.

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 20:15:00 GMT

ive begun to realise that, on some secret -or not so secret- level, boys like bruising girls. why is this? maybe its a territorial thing, like kitties who rub their faces all over you and your stuff to rub off their little kitty-scents.. just in case. or maybe its even darker than that; maybe its about hurt and maybe purple marks on your body are just a reminder of past and possible future pain that could be inflicted.. anyhow, i dont really know where im going with this, or what spawned these thoughts.. well, i do.. but thats not entirely the issue. i suppose i just find it interesting; im not even saying that i think these little purple markers are wrong or bad or malicious.. or that i dont like it too. i think, for the most part, its possible to maintain these animal qualities in ourselves without losing sight of the fact that we are, mostly, proper and civilised humans.. yes, in fact, i think its quite healthy.

in other news, ive become entirely resentful of my walls. though, i have to say, they are coming along beautifully!

on wearing nude coloured fishnets today:

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 02:28:49 GMT

"mommie?? are those her tights, or are those her LEGS?!?!?!!!!"

i hope her mother said i was one of the rare, long lost race of merfolk who have evolved to develop functioning legs but who still retain their scale-y quality...

.lucky leprechaun.

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 20:45:12 GMT

yesterday, while taking advantage of the glorious blue.blue sunshine, i put my top down and transported a lovely rug to my new pad... i had help getting it in my car. and i imagined i would be able to carry/drag/haul it into the apt.. but fortunately after only a couple minutes struggling with it this big, burly coverall-clad man came out of nowhere and just grabbed the rug and hoisted it out of my car and over his shoulder in one fell swoop.. and then asked me in an almost incomprehensible irish accent where to take it. i thanked him profusely and offered to buy him a cup of coffee or something, but he just chatted away the whole time, saying what i couldnt tell you.. in this charming, total shmoosh of words that i couldnt understand one bit. it was great.

.a nicer mood.

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 05:39:37 GMT

'now i'm listening to a playlist in my iTunes that i progressively
made over the past month, and i haven't listened to it before. actually
i started four lists:
1. electro pony sluts
2. insane freaks
3. sleepy hardlounge
4. vintage speedgroove
i'm listening to number 3.
and i must say it's absolutely ideal, not really for sleeping, but for
long summer afternoons in a large room, with the window open and
curtains gently moving in the breeze… in an empty house with wooden
floors, in some secluded place, maybe sardinia, or a secret chinese
island, or the south of portugal.
there's a big flat bed and a naked gwendolyn on it, eating a giant
melon or smoothing creamy baby stuff (?) on her body, or anything else
she might do. the light is filtered, dark bluish, soothing after the midday sun.
[ the house belongs to an old gay couple from london. they seldom have
visitors, but trusted us, and didn't bother to get the (the very
tanned housekeeping boy who lives with his grandfather in an apartment
near the port, above a fish restaurant) to take down the black and
white photos of one of the men, taken when he was a young ballet
dancer, by a forgotten von gloeden or mapplethorpe-influenced friend of
theirs. there are also drawers filled with kodachrome prints and
saturated polaroids of men on the beach, wearing white shirts, sitting
at terraces in the village, holding hard boiled eggs in ruins of a
monastery overlooking the bay. ]
gwendolyn's hair is tangled and salty and never really dries, except
that day that she gets the housekeeper to wash it and massage it with
various delicious smelling products, before we go to the opening of a
local pottery artist. it's just down the street under the stone
archway. she wears a white dress and we feel like we're in another
decade, or a parallel universe, just like the one we know, but better.'
-G. T. E. B. N. de N.

...finding someone who really gets me is the most lovely and wonderful gift. it makes me absolutely anxious and nervous and excited and sick to my stomach.. i love it.

.the most frustrating.

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 19:13:22 GMT

the other day, while attempting the berkeley bowl insane traffic jam of a parking lot, i sat in my car patiently waiting for a spot to open up... which is what people do; one must sit and wait and everyone else understands that this is the only way to get a spot and everyone either waits for his turn to get a spot or moves around and past you in the line. finally, a woman walks to her car, unloads her groceries, brings her cart back and returns to her car and starts to back up... suddenly, a little tiny red car swoops around me and then noticing the car backing up she scoots in front of me, in what i imagine is an attempt to get out of the other cars way so as to not cause an accident after which i assume she will continue on her way since i have clearly been waiting for this spot, blinkers on! and the car leaves and the little red car steals my spot!!! unbelieveable! i sat there is disbelief, and even some of the other people walking by were looking on in shock; one guy even looked at her and said, 'thats fucked up!' very loudly.

this has happened to me a couple times before, but this time i was enraged.. and i decided that while it was unlikely i could get this person to move her car, i wanted to tell her just how incredibly unkind and rude her actions were. so i pull up behind her car and begin to feel even more angry: her car is typically 'berkeley' with all sorts of peace and love and pro-choice bumper stickers as well as glitter and crap and little flowers and ridiculous stickers scattered about the back of the car. it just bothered me that this woman had the nerve to pretend to be all about love and flowers and yet have the audacity to steal someones parking place at the berkeley bowl! so, at this point, im rather worked up.. and its taking her forever to get out of her car. i can see her reaching for her handbag and gathering her things together and finally the door opens and she takes this thing out of the car, which looks like one of those little shopping cart wheeled things that are compact and that you sometimes see people using in all the 'alternative' markets as well as old ladies in chinatown or on clement street. id been practicing in my head exactly what id say to this woman and im completely prepared to efficiently and firmly explain to her just what a rude thing shed done and how it, clearly, goes against all her supposed beliefs about how people ought to treat one another and that she is an absolute hypocrite. and then she pulls out this wheel... and begins to assemble her wheelchair!!!

initially, i said to myself, 'it doesnt matter if shes in a wheelchair, she was still rude and i should still tell her so.' however, as she continued to pull out the other wheel and hoist herself slowly into her seat i quickly lost my gusto and finally she wheeled, unaware of me or my dilemma, into the market. :sigh:

but really, couldnt she have parked in a handicapped spot?!

.hush.

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 19:10:14 GMT

Hush, Mother says. Madeleine is sleeping. She is so beautiful when she sleeps. I do not want to wake her.
The small sisters and brothers creep about the bed, their gestures of silence becoming magnified and languorous, fingers floating to pursed lips, tip toes rising and descending as if weightless. Circling about her bed, their frantic activity slows; they are like tiny insects suspended in sap, kicking dreamily before they crystallize into amber. Together they inhale softly and the room fills with one endless exhalation of breath: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

- Sarah Shun-Lien Bynum

sometimes..

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 19:16:47 GMT

..having an intensely keen sense of smell can be a terrible.horrible.very bad curse!!!

.secret societies.

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 18:17:22 GMT

recently, i was out with a friend and she began talking about smoking/quitting/being a smoker in such an anti-smoker community.. and she mentioned that while quitting seems like a logical idea, there is a certain pleasure in belonging to this small group of people who share, perhaps, nothing more than this singular habit; that by default smokers suddenly belong to their own little club i.e. sitting together outside buildings, bumming from one another, asking for a light, et al.

that same afternoon, while lunching at frjtz, as this guy was leaving he opened the door to allow a man, maybe in his fifties, to step inside the restaurant before he let himself out. the older man stepped in, not really aknowledging the door being held open for him and so the younger guy.. maybe trying to be witty in front of s and i, who were sitting near the door... said, rather loudly, to the man 'youre welcome.' to which the older guy turned around, realising he was being spoken to, and said, 'excuse me?!' and again the younger guy replied, 'i said, youre welcome.' still clearly holding open the door. next, the unexpected: the older guy says, rather gruffly, 'well.. thank you young man.. youll have to excuse me if i seem a bit distracted, ive just buried my son.. who just past away four days ago. ive got a lot on my mind and im sorry if i came across as rude; you cant imagine what im going through right now.. he was just 32 years old...' and with that he walked towards the counter where he just ordered a beverage. he wore a nice suit and i looked at him imagining that he literally had just come from the funeral.. as for the younger guy, i made eye contact with him and he looked a bit embarrassed and walked out.

immediately, i felt akin to this man. this man who i will never see again, whom i know nothing of but that he has lost his son - that he has experienced the shock and confusion of losing someone you love far earlier than anyone could have anticipated.

since my mom past away, i have noticed this intense feeling of connectedness to absolute strangers on more than a few occasions. once, i was shopping in the middle of the afternoon and a much older woman was just at the counter paying for her purchases, writing out a check, when she sort of fell to pieces.. a slight cough, and then tears streaming down her cheeks. initially, all she said was, 'i cant get this pen to work.. youd think i could manage to keep a working pen in my purse.. oh, why is this happening??' and, understandably confused, the cashier guy offered her another pen and told her she could keep it if she wanted.. which i thought was adorably sweet. but the woman had only begun to tell of her woes: she went on to say, 'im so sorry young man.. my husband past away a week ago, weve just had services, and now ive got to fly back to georgia for the proper burial.. i dont know, i decided to have him laid to rest there.. because thats where ill be someday; we were married for 57 years.. we havent ever been apart for more than a couple of days since we were kids really.. and now i dont know how long it will be till were together again, and i dont want him buried here in california.. maybe ill just leave here and move back to georgia, you know? ive always kept the estate there, just in case.. we were happy there. we were happy here too, he was such a good man, made me so proud.. you know he started from the ground up.. now weve.. well, i've.. got twelve businesses here alone.. nine properties too, just in california.. what am i going to do with all of it?! what good is it to me now if hes not here??? what am i going to do?? i just needed these shoes for the trip, thats all.....' her tears were mild sobs at this point as she continued to struggle with the check.. finally, completing her transaction she said, very politely, 'thank you young man.' and walked out. it had been everything i could do to not just wrap my arms around her and tell her i understood her awkward display, that i could empathize with her confusion and pain and heartache and loss. as i walked out i saw her attempting to collect herself outside her car, standing with fists clenched at the trunk searching for a tissue in her purse. i walked up to her, not really knowing what id say, and just said the only thing i knew she would appreciate. we talked for over an hour.. this lovely woman, almost 80 years old with an absolutely charming georgian southern belle of an accent, in her youth a true debutante.. we talked of so many things, for that hour or so the best of friends.. absolute peers.

.sugar bear.

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 19:55:20 GMT

initially, i was really peeved that KFRC 'the oldies station' had sold out and become KFRC 'music YOU can sing along to!' and at first it was obvious that they were trying to ease us into the change.. lots of oldies but goodies with a few easy listening 70's and 80's hits thrown in.. gradually giving way to mostly 70's and early 80's classics and a few cringeful early 90's ballads here and there..

so ive either sold out too, or i have discovered a hidden love for old time elton john... rocket man, tiny dancer, and my new favourite 'someone saved my life tonight' or, 'the butterfly song' as ive been calling it. these seem to really speak to me in an absurdly profound way, and im enjoying basking in the very uncoolness of it all.

When I think of those East End lights, muggy nights
The curtains drawn in the little room downstairs
Prima Donna lord you really should have been there
Sitting like a princess perched in her electric chair
And it's one more beer and I don't hear you anymore
We've all gone crazy lately
My friends out there rolling round the basement floor
And someone saved my life tonight sugar bear
You almost had your hooks in me didn't you dear
You nearly had me roped and tied
Altar-bound, hypnotized
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear
You're a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Fly away, high away, bye bye
I never realised the passing hours of evening showers
A slip noose hanging in my darkest dreams
I'm strangled by your haunted social scene
Just a pawn out-played by a dominating queen
It's four o'clock in the morning
Damn it listen to me good
I'm sleeping with myself tonight
Saved in time, thank God my music's still alive
And I would have walked head on into the deep end of the river
Clinging to your stocks and bonds
Paying your H.P. demands forever
They're coming in the morning with a truck to take me home
Someone saved my life tonight, someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight, someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
So save your strength and run the field you play alone

this morning:

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 21:37:41 GMT

i dreamt i was driving to pick up these fine china zippered cases/covers.. which in real life i had replyed to on cl and was told i could stop by their house to get them, that they would be in a bag on the porch and i could leave the money under the doormat, which i thought was very trusting and nice but i havent had time to do that... so in my dream i was making time for it, but in the dream the house was in the castro and it was hard to park and finally when i got there i went into the gate and found the bag and was going to put the money under the mat when suddenly someone started yelling, 'hey! hey you!! what do you think youre doing?!' and i tried to see where the voice was coming from, but i couldnt figure it out.. and then a big man came out of the house and said i couldnt be there.. so i explained.. and he said, really politely, 'oh, i have your bag inside.. come with me.' so we went into the house which was more of a store with a counter and register and other people in line... and i explained what id come for.. and he pulled out this bag and i looked inside but there was only one zippered cover thing, so i asked of the others.. and he said that was all there was.. and i told him in the cl photos there were maybe 7-10 of them.. and he said, very rudely, that there were never any more than what is in the bag right now. so i didnt really want to argue..and they were only asking $10 so i decided to just buy the one and leave... so i handed him a ten dollar bill, and then he rang it up on the register and handed me back $30.. i was a bit confused, but then realised his error and was tempted not to say anything because he was ugly and mean.. but i decided that would make me ugly and mean, so i told him. and he got really fussy and was like, 'cant you see im very busy here?? please take your change and leave.. i dont have time for this nonsense!' so i left. and then back in the car i realised that the zippered china cover was actually a cream coloured and quilted raw silk cover for my ibook.. which was great. so i put it on my computer and decided to walk down the street where there was magically this lovely little french lingerie shop where they had beautiful nighties and stuff out on the street on a rack to lure in people like me.. and as i was looking at them i ran into this boy i know who was with a couple friends i dont know and they invited me to go to dinner with them. and we walked off down the little street.

i wonder if those china covers are still in their bag? i think i should find out.

i really like...

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 03:16:48 GMT

that i get to play dj in my cafe.. ' i request the smiths', and then hearing louder than bombs all the way through.. nothing better : )

.we have lost even.

Sat, 24 Sep 2005 02:41:12 GMT

we have lost even this twilight.
no one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.

i have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.

sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin between my hands.

i remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.

where were you then?
who else was there?
saying what?
why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when i am sad and feel you are far away?

the book fell that is always turned to at twilight
and my cape rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.

always, always you recede through the evenings
towards where the twilight goes erasing statues.

-pablo neruda

not too shabby

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 02:02:34 GMT

today, i:

- found a nice chair on the street; it matches another chair i already have at home which is very modern and sleek..now they are a sexy pair.

- saw a beautiful apartment that i may be able to move into.. fingers are double.crossed!

- successfully ate cottage cheese. (by far, this is the most impressive of todays accomplishments.)

white mournings

Sat, 10 Sep 2005 00:13:12 GMT

excerpt from a conversation today:

- today i found a pet mouse. a baby mouse while i was jogging.. and he didnt run away.. and on the way back on my trail he was still there..

-did you take him home?
how do you know he is a baby?

-i couldnt leave him there like a sitting target.. so i put him in my pocket and walked the rest of the way back
he was so so so so so so tiny
like not even as big as my thumb

-is it still alive?

-and then i took him with me to petco and asked the animal specialist about how to care for a baby mouse because i found a book but it didnt talk about babies
and he was ok, like his arms and legs worked, but he hardly moved.. and i thought that was because he was so young and he needed his mama
but the woman said he was dying. she could tell that he had upper respiratory problems.

-that's sad

-and i held him and watched him struggle for air.. and it got worse and worse and you could see his whole little body convulsing each time he gulped down some air
and then he died in my hand.
and i buried him under my moms favourite rose bush.. a very old white one.
and i put one little white rose bud over his grave.
it was a sad morning.
and i miss you.

-I'm sorry
that is sad
can I do anything?

-no, hes ok now.. so its better.

-yeah... I miss you too
I was just looking at your lj

-oh, really? i didnt think you knew how to find it?
im going to copy and paste this conversation so i will remember my mouse.

-did you name it?

-no, i wanted to.. but i didnt know if it was a boy or girl.. though i have a feeling he was a boy

-the lady at petco didn't tell you/?

-no, she seemed like she felt sorry for me.. and she kept calling me 'honey'
i dont think she wanted me to be attached to it

.still blushing.

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 03:22:50 GMT

im sitting in my cafe right now.. and this man here just got up to leave.. and before leaving he came over to my table and handed me this piece of paper. i looked at him questioningly and he said, 'its nothing much, but i wanted you to have it.'

***********************************
steam rises lazily
from your cup of soup

you flip your hair
flash a sliver of a smile
it is enough

the contrast between
your pale yellow dress
and your tan calves
is almost too much

if i am a criminal for stealing
glances at you
then we are partners in crime

you took my breath away
*************************************

wow.

i have a feeling..

Sat, 03 Sep 2005 02:12:56 GMT

that i am the only non-indian woman who receives email updates from indiandating.com

also, today i met a republican cat.